After 2 years of numerous sometimes beautiful, chaotic disasters...
I have reached a point where I no longer recognize who I once was.
Both inside and out, I would like to get back in touch with the me I was proud to be.
I know it will be a long, exciting, yet sometimes annoying and exhausting, journey back to ME, but I am damn determined to get back there where I belong. It's a crazy and scary thing to go through when you start out feeling so strong, independent and almost ridiculously confident and then you find someone you believe in, someone you want to help, and you find yourself loving them unconditionally, (usually making excuses for their stupidity along the way as well) and then it happens. They snap into a person you never knew existed. Things weren't ever "perfect" but they never will be so in my mind, I deemed all of it as "fairly normal". I have not yet gone through the day where I say "I just want him to be happy" and truly meant it. I'm sure eventually, one day, I will be able to say it with all sincerity but right now I am told over and over how I need to focus on myself for a change, doing things that make ME feel happy and make ME feel good. So as far as his happiness is concerned, I could not care any less. A major part of me hopes if he isn't already, he will soon feel torn apart and hurt. Maybe he will suffer and want to shatter his reflection for being so selfish and stupid. He said the most nicest things to me that anyone has ever said, and he also said some of the harshest. I think in his own majorly twisted and backwards way he meant it at least once, when he said he loved me and I was the only one he wanted but then I find myself thrown when I remember how mean he could be. I was transfixed on him after I shortly realized not long after meeting him, he seemed to understand and figure me out in ways no one had ever been able to do. He knew what I wanted and didn't want, he knew what I liked and didn't like, he even saw right through my games that I would play as soon as I felt someone was starting to get close to me. He wouldn't allow me to push him away, he fought what I couldn't help but do to everyone who showed an interest in me beyond physical attraction. I promised never to settle, I then broke my promise and in return got broken-hearted. I stupidly gave my all when I knew I had it. Actually, I gave him things I didn't even know I had for myself, let alone for someone else. And now, I have nothing left to give. Not even to myself. So for the next, who knows how long it will take me, I am scrounging up scraps of what I do have left and applying them to myself, and only myself. I will get through this and complete my "transformation in reverse" with the help and support of GOD and my family and friends. To sum up the last 750 ish days I have come to conclude that what I once had was in a way wasted on a really good cheater, liar and most of all ACTOR who was getting paid just by taking little pieces of me and destroying them. I am sorry to say I allowed him to bring me down to his level.
I have reached a point where I no longer recognize who I once was.
Both inside and out, I would like to get back in touch with the me I was proud to be.
I know it will be a long, exciting, yet sometimes annoying and exhausting, journey back to ME, but I am damn determined to get back there where I belong. It's a crazy and scary thing to go through when you start out feeling so strong, independent and almost ridiculously confident and then you find someone you believe in, someone you want to help, and you find yourself loving them unconditionally, (usually making excuses for their stupidity along the way as well) and then it happens. They snap into a person you never knew existed. Things weren't ever "perfect" but they never will be so in my mind, I deemed all of it as "fairly normal". I have not yet gone through the day where I say "I just want him to be happy" and truly meant it. I'm sure eventually, one day, I will be able to say it with all sincerity but right now I am told over and over how I need to focus on myself for a change, doing things that make ME feel happy and make ME feel good. So as far as his happiness is concerned, I could not care any less. A major part of me hopes if he isn't already, he will soon feel torn apart and hurt. Maybe he will suffer and want to shatter his reflection for being so selfish and stupid. He said the most nicest things to me that anyone has ever said, and he also said some of the harshest. I think in his own majorly twisted and backwards way he meant it at least once, when he said he loved me and I was the only one he wanted but then I find myself thrown when I remember how mean he could be. I was transfixed on him after I shortly realized not long after meeting him, he seemed to understand and figure me out in ways no one had ever been able to do. He knew what I wanted and didn't want, he knew what I liked and didn't like, he even saw right through my games that I would play as soon as I felt someone was starting to get close to me. He wouldn't allow me to push him away, he fought what I couldn't help but do to everyone who showed an interest in me beyond physical attraction. I promised never to settle, I then broke my promise and in return got broken-hearted. I stupidly gave my all when I knew I had it. Actually, I gave him things I didn't even know I had for myself, let alone for someone else. And now, I have nothing left to give. Not even to myself. So for the next, who knows how long it will take me, I am scrounging up scraps of what I do have left and applying them to myself, and only myself. I will get through this and complete my "transformation in reverse" with the help and support of GOD and my family and friends. To sum up the last 750 ish days I have come to conclude that what I once had was in a way wasted on a really good cheater, liar and most of all ACTOR who was getting paid just by taking little pieces of me and destroying them. I am sorry to say I allowed him to bring me down to his level.
I thought I could help him climb, but as it turns out, in this situation it was easier to get sucked in and sink together, rather than it was to rise alone.
